An Inconvenient Tumor

The Sperm Bank

Does this post really need a more clever title? I don't think so.

This story happened just over two weeks ago, on the Friday before Bryan started treatment. Since our diagnosis-to-treatment timeline was so fast, we literally had ONE day before Bryan started chemo and radiation. Now, for those of you who (count your lucky stars) aren't aware of why cancer patients are encouraged to "make a deposit" and secure the lives of their future children (should they want any), here's the deal.

Chemo and radiation are essentially poison to your system. Think about it: there's a mass of foreign cells (a.k.a. tumor) growing inside of you, and the heavy-duty artillery required to kill said tumor can wreak havoc on your body. Especially your chances of reproduction. So, to be safe, you're encouraged to "bank some healthy ones" (doctor's terms, not mine) just as a precaution. Considering that Bryan and I love and absolutely want kids, it was a no brainer. It was time to start researching cryobanks that would keep our little ones alive (or at least good and frozen).

Our doctors' recommended two cryobanks: California Cryobank and Westwood Cryobank. I've got to tell you, looking at their websites is s TRIP. It reminds you that you've just entered an entirely new, and unknown, world. I can say with complete honesty that I NEVER, in a 1000 years, imagined that I would be researching cryobanks. Much less at age 29. But that was the way that our cookie crumbled, so that's what we needed to do. Seeing as I worked as a researcher in advertising for almost 10 years, Bryan dutifully assigned me with the task of "gathering the sperm freezing facts." Thank you, sweetheart.

We had to make a decision fast, so I found the phone numbers and started a competitive analysis of California versus Westwood Cryobanks. I looked at Bryan before making the phone calls and said, "what EXACTLY am I supposed to say to these people?" He had no idea and neither did I. So I winged it. I dialed and held my breath.

Cryobank Personnel: "Thank you for calling ____ Cryobank, how can I help you?"

Christie: "Hello, my fiance and I would like to inquire about making a, um, deposit."

Cryobank Personnel (like it's NOTHIN'...well, because to them it's not): Sure. When were thinking of making a deposit?

Christie: Today. Or tomorrow. We don't have much time, because he starts chemo on Monday. But I have a few questions first. What are your fees for first-time "visitors?"

Cryobank Personnel: For the deposit, analysis and first year storage, it's just over $780. If you want to make additional deposits, they are $166 each.

Christie (trying not to gasp): Wow. Okay, thank you. You're actually the first sperm bank we've called. We were also given the name of _____ Cryobank. Can you please tell me how you're different, or better, than ______ Cryobank?

Cryobank Personnel lauches into a 5-minute speech about their competitive benefits, including full-service Gyno work. They're not simply a storage facility, they're a medical facility. They don't just store the sperm, they help with in-vitro insemination when you're ready to use the sperm.

Christie: That's great to know, thanks. How long do the appointments usually take?

Cryobank Personnel: Well, the consultation is usually 15 minutes. As for the deposit; well, that depends...on the patient. But we have "material" to help them.

Christie (trying not to laugh): Ah-ha...gotcha. Thank you very much. Let me confer with my fiance and give you a call back.

We didn't call the other cryobank for comparison. We looked at their website and their costs were a good 30% higher. Don't fault us for being cheap. At the end of the day, a sperm freezer is a sperm freezer. Heck, Bryan and our guy friends had a hard time believing we had to actually PAY someone to store sperm for us when we all have our own freezers and ice cube trays. Can you even imagine? Going to someone's house, going for some ice in their freezer for your soda and popping out the wrong ice cube tray? UGH. Just the mental image of that had me speed-dailing the first cryobank. We had an appointment at 10am the next morning.

Now, please understand that I've been to every single doctor's appointment with Bryan. I take notes at every single appointment. I wouldn't miss one of his doctor's appointments for anything. But, really, I figured that when it came to the sperm bank, I got a "pass." So that morning, Bryan got up, got ready and skipped out of the house to the sperm bank. It's a strange thing, telling your fiance to "have fun" at the sperm bank. I mean, what do you say? "Break a leg?" "Go get 'em?" "Can't wait to hear all about it?"

The rest you may have heard on the Carolla podcast, but Bryan went to the appointment, had a brief consultation with the physician and was then on his own. Apparently they directed him to their "special room," which turned out to be a 3x4 white, clinical space with a VERY limited selection of "material" (porn). I later asked him later, "What did you expect? Mood lighting? Candles? Soft music?" He replied, "No, but I did not expect all the DVD cases to be EMPTY."

I think I was reading a magazine during this conversation, because I remember my head snapping up while saying, "What do you mean they were EMPTY?" Bryan replied, "The DVDs were stolen. They were GONE. I took pictures to prove it." I couldn't stop laughing because I literally yelled out, "WHO STEALS PORN FROM A SPERM BANK?"

Bryan assured me that, luckily (oh thank God), there was still a DVD in the DVD player, so he just watched that. But apparently when he turned it on, "It was at a really bad scene." I don't even want to know. And, as a final gesture of compassion, he said that he left the TV volume at level 51 as a suprise for the next guy. Isn't he sweet?

Bryan showed me the pictures, as we'll now show to you. Hilarious. I'm convinced that someone needs to come up with a sperm bank that actually doesn't look clinical, but looks more "mood appropriate." Because, wow, this room and its ambience couldn't be less sexy. Any takers?